Saturday 22 November 2014

Sometimes I Struggle

Yep, sometimes I struggle. And this statement would come as a huge shock to anyone who knows me, because I'm always the confident, outgoing, bubbly, happy one! But sometimes I struggle. I struggle to "come out" sometimes. 
Actually, I struggle with that phrase! Why the fuck should I have to continue to "come out"? 
So let me help you make sense of this. I'm a hairdresser, which means that 6 days a week, I not only listen to my clients but I talk to them too! I own my salon, so I feel I need to uphold a certain amount of professionalism with my clients. But I don't want my salon to be a stuffy, stuck up, prissy environment where people don't feel comfortable, so I share my life with my clients. If I had a dollar for every client that has said to me coming into the salon is more like going to a friends house for coffee and a chat, I wouldn't need to be a business owner! I'd be rich! And I love that! I love that our clients have been part of our lives. I love that they took the journey with us of losing our baby and then the pregnancy and then Luca. I love that they feel like they know my three older kids, even though most have not met them. I love that they support us and our openness and the fact that we are a gay couple just trying to make an honest living...but sometimes I hold it in.
Today was one of those times. I had an absolutely beautiful woman, inside and out, sit in my chair today for the first time, and we chatted like we were new best friends. This seems to happen often. I get on really well with all of my clients, on a personal and professional level, but sometimes there is that client that just seems to click! We just start with small talk, and before you know it, I know every little detail about their life! And I LOVE this part of my job. I love that people feel comfortable enough to tell me things like their ex-husband cheated on them so they left, that their children are going through a shitty stage in life and they don't like them very much, that their parents are in their 90's and they hope that when they die they do it together in their sleep! Yep, all of these conversations were had today! With different clients, but my last client for the day was a new one, and one that I just clicked with. We just started with the usual, where are you from originally, do you have plans for Christmas, blah blah blah...then we just couldn't shut up! She spoke to me about things I don't think she realised she needed to tell someone, and I was open with her...to a point. Channy wasn't at work today, and I did mention my partner, and my kids, but didn't refer to Channy as her, or she or Channy. Don't get me wrong, I think she would have been fine with it, and if not, oh well, too bad, find another hairdresser, but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth! I struggled! And that pisses me off! Why should I have to be conscious of how I word things just in case I may offend someone? Why should I sensor my conversations, just in case someone may look at me strange? Why should I have to come out over and over again? I shouldn't! Straight people don't have to announce that they are attracted to the opposite sex, so why should gay people? 
Inevitably I'm guessing she will figure it out at her next appointment, if not before. I know we are "known" in the area for being the gay hairdressers with the baby, and even our most pretentious, religious, and oldest clients accept and embrace that. So why do I struggle with it at times? 

Sunday 2 November 2014

1/2 a year already!

Well, our tiny guy has reached the 1/2 way mark to his first birthday! I simply cannot believe it! How the hell did that happen? 
He is simply the cutest baby (naturally) that ever graced this earth! He is such a content happy bubba! 
And naturally he is "advanced" bahahahahaha...well he is in some areas! He's the laziest baby going around! Won't roll, unless he feels like it and isn't even close to looking like he will crawl in this millennium...but he sits! Yep, he'll sit unaided, but once he's had enough, bang, he throws himself backwards or face plants and cracks it! But if I were a baby with 5 other people bowing to my every whim, I sure as hell wouldn't be moving very far either! So that brings me to the "advanced" comment...he's SMART! He is clever beyond his months! He started saying Mumma at 5 1/2 months! I know what you are thinking, not possible...and we thought the same...a baby that young can't possibly do it! We thought we were hearing things. Willing it to be true...but it WAS! Then it started to get clearer after a few days...then he ripped out bubba...WHOA slow down kiddo, you aren't quite 6 months old and you have two words! WTF? 
THEN he let nana slip a few times a week later. Now we get the following, generally as a babble like he's telling us a reeeeeeeally important story. It goes so,etching like his "mummummummuma, bubububub, mummummummuma, da, nan, bubububub, dadada, bum." Yep, you read right...BUM! Much to Ayla's (my 7 year old) disgust. At which she pipes up, no Luca, you don't say bum, that's rude, you say bottom! Bless her, she's so cute! 
So we have an advanced baby ;-) 
More likely it has to do with the fact that he is constantly surrounded by people, whether it be us, the kids or clients, and between all of us, he hears CONSTANT talking...so the poor kid has already figured out that if he is to get a word in edgewise, he's gonna have to speak up, and soon! And that he does! 
Adore him beyond belief! 

Wednesday 15 October 2014

Remembering

Today, October 15th, is the day that people around the world stop at 7pm to remember their babies that are are no longer earthside. Sadly, we fall into this group. A group that is massive in volume. A group that nobody should have to belong to. A group I wouldn't wish being part of on my worst enemy. No parent should have to endure the pain that the loss of a baby brings. It is devastating, to say the least. 
In May last year, Channy & I headed to our 12 week scan with all the excitement that is necessary for parents-to-be, and then some. Only to walk out of that tiny little room a change couple. A couple that didn't want to face the harsh light of day and the reality that our baby would never witness it. It was a heart-crushing moment to see that teensy tiny blob on the screen in place of what should have been a moving little baby with limbs and a heartbeat. I knew as soon as the image came up that something was terribly wrong. We don't know what happened to our precious little bean. We don't know for certain if it was a boy or girl. But we felt the pain of a billion knives being driven into our hearts, and twisted upon entry. 
I know far too many people who have lost babies, at various stages or pregnancy and post natal. It's just not fair! Nothing more can be said except the world is a fucked up place sometimes!
So today we remember our little jelly bean, and wonder what might have been...but at the same time we reflect on the fact that if we hadn't have suffered such a tragedy, we wouldn't have our precious little Luca filling our lives with love and light! 


Whilst I am speaking of loss, 2 weeks ago today, we suffered a great loss in our lives. Channy's Great Grandmother Esther passed away after putting up one hell of a fight to stick around! She was an amazing lady, and one I am so grateful to have welcomed me into her family. She was a beautiful soul who so dearly loved her family, and was completely besotted with Luca. We would visit her at least two Monday's a month when we didn't have my kids, and let me tell you that woman was a hoot! The funeral was held last Tuesday, and was a beautiful service, filled with memories of a lady loved by all. Channy's Nana, Margaret, asked me to speak on her behalf, and I can tell you I have never felt so honoured or part of a family in my life! I feel more a part of this amazing family than I do my own. It was hard to get up and say things that were so meaningful to someone else, especially because they meant so much to me too. Esther's passing has left a massive hole in everyone's lives, and she will be sadly missed :-( 
So in a nutshell, the first post I've done in months is one filled with sadness, but if it's the last one I do for another 4 months, it was important.

Monday 29 September 2014

The end is near

Watching someone you love suffering from physical pain is hard, unbearable and just plain painful in itself. Watching someone you love suffering from emotional pain is gut wrenching, eternally soul breaking and worse than any physical pain you could ever go through.
I've see the woman I love in this much pain for the second time in our short four years together and I am lost. I am usually the voice or calm, reason and responsibility when it comes to other people. Just today I sat down and had a really great talk with a client struggling to decide on her next step career wise, and for the first time in a little while, the social worker in me came out. And it felt good. She was ever so grateful that I could listen impartially, re-present her options to her, and ultimately put the decision entirely in her hands. Which is what I studied a hell of a long time to learn how to do. Then tonight, I greet my beloved at the door for the third time in as many days, in tears after visiting her terminally ill Great Grandma, and I'm lost. It hurts. It hurts deep down in the pit of my stomach. It hurts with every beat of my heart. It hurts from my toes to the top of my head. All because I have no words of advice, not a single word of encouragement, not the ability to say what is needed. All because I hate to see her in pain. All because there is not a single word in any language that can change her feelings. Not that I want to change them. Grieving is important. It is essential to healing. It is part of life. And I HATE IT! 
Channy's Great Grandma is an amazing woman. I know people throw this term around so easily when it comes to the elderly, but this woman has had a tough 88 years on this earth, and she is staying strong right to the end. She is Great in every sense of the word. She is the funniest old dear that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I mean that! It has truly been a pleasure to be allowed in her life. I've not been in it for long, and I'm saddened by the fact that I won't get to spend more time with her, but our twice monthly visits to her for the past year and a bit, have been entertaining to say the least. Esther is not afraid to say how she thinks it is. She is not one to beat around the bush when it comes to opinions, and she doesn't care who is in earshot when she voices hers! She is the woman I strive to be. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and that is inspiring! 
She had 11 children! That in itself is amazing! ELEVEN! One of those 11 children is Channy's Nana, Margaret. And they are 2 peas in a pod. I admire Margaret and everything she has ever done for her family. She would probably never admit it, but she is such a giving person, she has so much love for those close to her, even if her way of showing it isn't all that conventional. And the life she has given to Channy, and the character she has built in her is amazing! If it weren't for her, Channy wouldn't be the girl I love today. 
To know that these two women are slowly treading through one of the hardest parts of their lives, tears me apart. Because I can't change it. I can't control it. I can't stop it. 
All I can do is be there. Do as I'm told when I'm told, which I've never been very good at. But for now, I know I can do it, because there is nothing more I can do. 
I visited Esther yesterday, for what I'm assuming will be the last time. She was her cheeky self when conscious, but looked so tired. Monday is our regular second visit for the month, and we are told it's not looking likely she will make it until then. She has been able to spend a lot of time with Channy & Luca in the past few days, and I'm grateful that all three of them will always have that. Even though Luca won't remember it, he will know is Great Great Grandma in every way we can show him. 

Update: We just got news that Esther lost her fight today. :'( Channy I think was feeling good to be back at work & in some sort of normal routine, after the past 5 days in and out of the nursing home, and then her whole world came crashing down!
We both spent quite some time in there yesterday, and although Esther was unconscious, I think she was well aware of the love in the room. Channy's family have always been so loving towards me and my kids, but I've only had a small amount to do with her extended family, and after last night, I saw that the rest of the family is just as loving! That tiny little room was bursting at the seams with love for an amazing woman, and it was an honour to be part of that and be treated like part of the family! 

Thursday 12 June 2014

Whoops

Well, life kind of got in the way of blogging! Actually, more the need for sleep lol. Luca, you had been going oh so well at this sleeping thing, and just when we thought you were approaching the first sleep through the night, BANG you had the most unsettled night of all! 3 nights ago, you decided it was party time at 1am. Not cool son, not cool! Well the 1am thing wasn't so bad, more the fact that you dragged it out til 4am, ended up super over tired and super cranky! This mumma ended up taking over, as your other mumma was beside herself because she couldn't settle you. So I wrangled you into a straight jacket hold and patted your butt for all it was worth, and eventually you gave in! That was on Tuesday night...followed by a 12 hour day for me at work! By the end of the night, I was SHAGGED! Lucky you are so damn cute kiddo! 
So what else has happened? Well, you hit 6 weeks old on Wednesday, which was when other mumma's check up at the doctors was, but with my lack of sleep, I just let her sleep in and completely forgot about it, until it woke her up & she reminded me...oops. So that's been rescheduled for today.
Speaking of "other mumma" we still haven't decided what you will call us both...but I guess there is plenty of time yet right lol. 
You are still a pretty chunky baby, and we are thinking possibly reflux, but you aren't in pain, so we are persisting with it! All,the while being armed with a spew rag at any given moment! 
We have also discovered that you are tongue tied, which may explain your lack of latching at times, but we will talk to the doctor about options at your 8 week check. 
You are such a smiley baby now! The kind of smile that just melts my heart every time. The big wide open mouth smile, like you just realised that you can do it 😄 
We've had a few goo's & gaa's too which is simply adorable! 
You are slowly starting to fit into some of the clothes we bought for you while you were cooking, but still mostly in clothes that we had bought you after you were born...but out of the preemie ones, so starting to look more like a little man!
Your eyes are constantly changing colours...blue, green, brown...think you might be like mumma and not have a set colour. Hers change all the time, and sometimes she has one green and one blue! 
You are almost bald, which is so cute! The majority of you hair has fallen out on top, which means you are likely to have a killer mullet by the time your first birthday rolls around! Still no sign of curls yet, but we'll see! 
We had some gorgeous photos done for us a couple of weeks ago, and in the words of the photographer, you were a rock star! Can't wait to get the whole package of them! The sneak peek was just too much of a teaser! 
Generally you are a very content baby, especially when you are up at the salon! Many of our clients don't even realise you are there, you are so good ☺️ Proud mummy moment right there!

Anyway son, I need to go and get ready for work & drop the kid lets off at school!

I love you two times...always & forever! 
xx

Monday 19 May 2014

Letter to Luca

Well Tiny Guy, today is the day you were supposed to make your way into this world...instead, you are 2 weeks & 6 days old! You are such a relaxed baby! Well, you weren't last night, but if it was a one off, I'll let it slide, just this once! Think it may have something to do with the coffee mum had yesterday afternoon. Hoping that it was the coffee lol.
Yesterday you were weighed at the chemist, and you have gained a whopping 600 grams since birth! You have hit the 3kg mark (6lb9oz). You are still a fairly chunky bub, and yesterday was probably the worst you've been so far, so thinking perhaps mum drinking cows milk doesn't agree with you! 
We got a new hot water system yesterday (finally no more boiling the jug for yours or the kids baths!) so mum & I had to go to Aunty Erin & Uncle Craig's for a shower as the new system hadn't kicked in yet. That was the first time mum had been away from you! She did pretty good! She was gone for almost an hour! She said it felt really strange! On the flip side, you & I got to spend some time together :-)
You had a good little snooze, then a bath, which you now LOVE, but HATE getting out of. You screamed the house down! I'm surprised you didn't wake the other kids up! Then I gave you a bottle of mumma's milk, which I love doing! I feel kind of left out when it comes to the nourishment side of raising you! But I, so proud of mum for what she has been able to achieve when it comes to feeding! She's a trooper, that's for sure. Hopefully you let her get some rest today, because she doesn't do too well with lack of sleep. 
On Sunday we all went on your very first shopping trip, and bought you some new clothes that we thought would fit, but are still a bit big. Plenty of growing room though. 
I think winter has well & truly hit, and I think you like it as much as me...not at all! 
Tomorrow the kids got to their fathers house for a few days, which will be nice to just chill with you & mum for the first time since you were born. Long story short, their father decided he needed to take a holiday so they have been here for longer than normal, which was great that they were here when you were born and have had more time than they would have to get to know you, but they are going to be so out of whack when they come back! They always are, and this time is sure to be worse :-( We will try and make it as easy on everyone as possible, so just hang in there buddy!
Mum is healing well from your birth, and all her stitches are gone now. She has come up to the salon with you a few times and you just sleep pretty much! Everyone who has met you is so in love with you, which makes mum & I so proud :-) we did a good job growing you :-) 
I don't think your first real smile is too far off Tiny Guy! You are such an inquisitive little man! Taking everything in during your awake times. You love love love to be snuggled, and you still love to be swaddled nice & tight. 
We both think that your eyes are going to turn brown. They are so big and dark, but we could be wrong. They will either be brown or green, or perhaps like mum's and change between green and blue.
You are getting 2 very special visitors on Friday - Aunty Tracey and her beautiful little (well not so little anymore) girl Renai. They have to come down to the Royal Children's Hospital for Renai. I can't wait to see her reaction to you! And I know Aunty Tracey can't wait to cuddle you! I think she wants to take you home with her, but that's not going to happen ;-) 
Anyway, Tiny Guy, I have to get the girls to school, and go to work myself. You be good for mummy today and let her get some sleep.
I love you more than life itself Tiny
xoxoxo

Tuesday 13 May 2014

2 weeks down!

I can't believe how FAST the past two weeks have gone :( Our little boy is growing so quickly! He'll be moved out and heading off into the world before we know it! But it is exciting at the same time.
He has slotted into our family sooooo well! He truly is a dream baby. He is content and happy and relaxed, and he even put himself to sleep last night! OMG where did this baby come from lol.

The kids have adjusted so well to having a new baby in the house. There were a couple of hiccups at the beginning with Ayla and feeling sad that she was no longer the baby, but that all seems to be smoothed over now YAY.

I absolutely HATE having to come to work each day and be without 2 of my favourite people. But I know I have to do it. Oh to win the lotto and live like a queen!
Channy is recovering so well too! She amazes me, although just quietly I think she may be trying to push herself a bit too much. She said last night that she hates not being able to do stuff for herself. Not so much now, but earlier when she couldn't even dry herself. She has turned into such an independent person since I first met her. I'm so proud of her :)

So feeding routine at this point is aprox every 4 hours during the day, sometimes 3, and he only wakes at around midnight & 4/5am for feeds! See, DREAM BABY!

Bath time is becoming more fun too! That is generally my job in the afternoon, which I look forward to all day long! The first couple of days, Luca would scream blue murder every time he felt the press studs pop open. He HATED being naked! Certainly doesn't take after Channy there ;-). But now he is quite content to lie on the change table for a bit kicking freely! He seems to have settle down on the peeing on everything in sight as soon as the nappy comes off too lol. Probably shouldn't speak too soon though hey! So anyway, the bath is now a fun time for him. He is so relaxed in there now, and happy to float around and kick his little frog legs naaaaaaaw <3
I can't wait until we have hot water again (whole other story right there) so I can put him in the shower! I think he'll LOVE it!

I am absolutely loving being a mum all over again. This sounds quite tragically sad, but I don't have much in the way of photos and mementos from when my kids were small, because a certain ex-husband has taken it upon himself to keep all of that :-( And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to replace all of that with Luca, but I really am cherishing every single moment! Taking a buzsquillion photos every single day too!

Actually I found this awesome app, which I'm excited to look back on, that is called Project365 which is like a calendar but you put a photo in each day! I have set a reminder for each day so that I don't forget (yeah right, like that's going to happen lol) so when Luca turns 1 I have a running view of how much he has changed! I love the idea! Seriously, check it out! Download the app and start snapping away!

Not much else is happening in our little world at the moment! We are all living harmoniously with a newborn in the house! I don't know how, but we just are :)

So at risk of starting to prattle on about the Federal Budget from last night, I'm going to sign off now, and go & have coffee with a friend & my 2 favourites! (Thanks Budget, for making my morning at work non existent!)

I'll leave you with a photo of perfection!


Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

Oh I almost forgot! I called my nana to wish her a happy Mother's Day & told her about Luca and she was genuinely excited 😄 I knew she would be but there was always that small amount of doubt in my mind! She was also quite concerned that Channy had to have a c-section, which was lovely! I love my Nana! I also spoke to Mum, and although I know she would know, nothing was exchanged about the baby situation! I know everyone probably thinks that's wrong because it's their grandchild, but that's how awkard our relationship is 😒

Tuesday 6 May 2014

One week on!

WOW! I can't believe it has been a whole week since the whirlwind that was welcoming Luca! This time a week ago channy was being stitched up and I was in complete awe if what she had just done and the tiny guy that was in my arms!
And life since has been a dream! He's an amazingly calm baby, who sleeps even better! He only wakes for 2 night feeds, around midnight & 5! I know right! A trooper! 
He had his home midwife visit on Monday, and we were lucky enough that it was Jillian, the midwife that spent 15 hours with us last week! He passed everything with flying colours, and he was just 10g off his birth weight (2510) which is FANTASTIC! Channy is a machine!
Tuesday Channy ventured out with Luca for the first time, as he had a doctors appointment. We have a small practice in the centre where the salon is, so she came up to work with me and just hung around for the morning. Luca was a dream while there! He slept the entire time 😃 
He apparently pee'd all over the doctor, which is his favourite thing to do -nappy off means open shot for this kid lol.
We also went to visit Kenny on Tuesday afternoon, who is our tattooist. That would have to be the hardest thing for Channy to do the whole pregnancy - not get a tattoo! So we went to show him Luca, which only made Luca look even smaller, because Kenny is a BIG guy! Now this whole experience has left me a bit miffed...not the visiting of Kenny bit, but the fact that Channy booked in to get Luca's name tattooed on her, seems to be open for public opinion! So she posted on Facebook that she is booked in for the 2nd of June, and within a matter of seconds, people thought it their right to comment that if she is breasfeeding, she shouldn't do it! Last I checked, Channy & I were Luca's parents! Not anybody else! There is this modern day thing called expressing breast milk, that mothers sometimes do, and that is the intention when it comes to getting tattooed! Not that it is anyone's business, but I can assure you that if Kenny had have said that it was not safe while breasfeeding, then she would wait forever! NOTHING is more important to her than that little guy, and she isn't about to put him in harms way for something as minor as a new tattoo! This was Channy's first experience of public opinion when it comes to parenting. Not my first, and probably not either of our last! But all the same, when did it become ok to judge, criticise and ridicule somebody else's parenting choices? I certainly wouldn't do it, so don't expect to be on the other end of it. 
I am still in complete disbelief that he is actually here, and cannot believe how content and calm he is! Looking back on my own first baby and he was a ball or tense, screaming, cranky flesh! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that Channy is so calm as well though.
The other exciting thing that happened today was his cord fell off! And he has the cutest little belly button! I love the anticipation of waiting for it to fall off to see what it looks like underneath! There is simply nothing cuter than a baby belly button ❤️
I am absolutely hating having to go to work and leave two of my favourite people behind, but I know I have to do it 😔 so the deal is Channy has to send me a buzillion photos to keep me going! And this was one of today's photos...which had me in stitches! This is one of Ayla's toy babies that is just a regular size doll, and at 1 week old he is still smaller than it! Bless.

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

Friday 2 May 2014

What a whirlwind!

It's Saturday morning and we had our first night at home with Luca. I cannot believe it has all happened! He's here! He's actually here!
Being on this side of things makes it feel like it's never actually going to happen! But it did. And we have a baby!
I still cannot get over how tiny he is! It doesn't make me feel nervous or the need to be super careful, he's just miniature compared to my porker babies!

Now I said I would go back to the birth as soon as possible, but it was all such a rush I'm not sure I actually can. The thing that blows my mind the most is the idea that waiting 15 minutes of them testing his blood gases he was OUT! He was born. But to me it seemed like a life time. Everyone who has been through it says the same thing, but it really really really did feel like forever. 

So now he's attaching for feeds much easier, which I think has a lot to do with Channy feeling comfortable at home, and not have different people tell her different things. That and the fact that he now knows what he should be doing.
Channy is feeling sore, but the worst of it is she has all this phlem on her chest that she can't cough up properly because it hurts and I think that's worse than the pain in her belly. So last night we put the humidifier on so hopefully that will help break it up a bit. 

I'm a bit bummed that I have to go to work today, but if I don't, then the million bills that are due right now won't get paid 😞 

Monday 28 April 2014

It's GO Time!


So I'm not going to publish this until the little man is here, but OMG we are having a baby! Well of course we are, but we are actually going to have a baby at most in the next few days!
At 10:45pm on 28th April, Channy got up to blow her nose and her waters broke!!!!!!!! Now they broke before she blew her nose, so no, it wasn't the nose blowing that broke it lol.
So we both just kinda looked at each other and paused for a moment to decide what to do lol
Then Channy called the hospital and they said to go on in to be checked and monitored. So next call was to Channy's sister who was on standby to look after the kids...which of course we have because their father has chosen now to go on an extended holiday!
Anyway, we called...and called...and called some more, but like most people do at night, her phone was on silent. So we called our dear friend Erin to come over til Channy's sister could get here (she's about 20 minutes away) and after Erin realised that we were serious, she came over, still kind of asleep and expected to see Channy panting on the ground naked lmao!
So anyway, we finally get ahold of Channy's sister (17 calls later lol) and we head to the hospital. By this stage Channy is having a few contractions, but nothing serious, just little cramps really.
So we get to the hospital and they check her out, and yep, her waters have definitely broken. They hook her up to the CTG and she's having mild contractions, which is a good start. So then a really lovely doctor comes in to have a chat, and was great at explaining everything, then says she wants to do an internal.
So she does her bit, wand says that we are only 1cm dilated, which is 1 cm closer to meeting our baby!
So our options are to hang around and wait, or go home and get some rest...so we opt to go home. I asked Channy if she wants anything to eat on the way home, and she said no. Then when we were just about home she says, 'I could probably go a cheeseburger'. So what else does one do when In labour but go through Maccas drive thru ,
So now we are home...but not resting...too excited and timing contractions, which at this point are about 8 minutes apart...so now we wait!

So it's now 10:43, and we are still waiting...no more or no less regular contractions...so we still wait. Heading off for a walk soon. We have to head back up to the hospital at 3:30 this afternoon. Hopefully more happens by then! 

Update: it's now 12:56 and this feels like the longest day of my life lol! We all went for a walk at about 11 to see if that kicked things along...she had all of 1 contraction while walking pffffft! So we come home and decide to have a rest. Lie down and about 5 minutes later they hit! 3 1/2 minutes apart! At the moment she is napping and they have slowed to about 7-8 minutes apart. Part of me wants to make her move to get things going, but part of me wants to let her rest! She is worried at the moment that if we go to the hospital, they will stop or tell her to go back home, which I understand completely! Nothing worse than thinking you are getting somewhere and you aren't...so more waiting for now.

So it's now 8:40pm on Tuesday. We have been up at the hospital since about 4pm, at which time not too much was going on...contractions here & there but nothing stable/regular/shout worthy! So the decision was made to start an IV of cintocinon which was started at 6:30pm. It only made it to 4 mls before contractions became pretty intense! They are about every 3-4 minutes apart at the moment and enough to render a f*^k or two 😉 
At this point Channy is coping great with the pain, although I don't think she feels the same way! 
Love this girl to bits!
Next stop is doctor to do an internal at about 10:30, so the hour forty five countdown is on! I'm hoping for about 5cms! 

Well well well...that all got away from me lol! It's now 7:59am on Thursday May first! And our boy has been here for 23 hours and 54 minutes! That's right! Luca Paul joined our family at 8:05am on Wednesday 30th April! Not even the month he was supposed to be born!
Tuesday & Wednesday were very full on, and he ended up entering the the world via emergency c-section. Although he was teensy tiny, poor Channy has a pelvic arch that is even smaller, and there is no way he would have fit! But he is here, and he is perfect and I simply cannot believe it! 
I don't have time at the moment to finish off the birth journey, but I want to do it very soon while it is still fresh. But for now I will end with the perfection that is our son!

Luca Paul Kanofski-Tenuyl
Wednesday 30/04/2014
5lb 9oz
46cm







Friday 25 April 2014

The waiting game...

So, technically we only have at most 35 days until we meet our little man! In reality, it could be at any moment! This bun cooking adventure has simply flown by! And not just for me! Even Channy says how fast it has gone! 
Although she has hit the uncomfortable, can't sleep properly, need to pee every 5 seconds stage, she said this morning she is really wanting to meet him but doesn't want it to be over! She's the pregnant woman everyone hopes they will be! She really is enjoying every single moment of it, which I think is as much of a shock to her as it is to me! It's an amazing feeling being pregnant for the for the first time! Everything is new and exciting as well as scary and overwhelming! But I am over the moon that she really has enjoyed it all! (Insert massive smiley face here)
Anyway, today we got in and finished off all the last little things in bubbas room. We have had it pretty well set up for a couple of months now, but had some stuff just chucked in there *blush*. So now we are ready to roll! I even put the car seat in the car to get the kids used to it being there! And we had a bit of a mission fitting the pram in with one of the back seats up to fit all the kids in, but after about 15 minutes of head scratching and taking it out and putting it back in, we got it sorted! YAY
So I shall leave you with a snap shot of the nursery, which will probably never look like this again once the little man arrives ;-)


Thursday 24 April 2014

Day of reflection



A day of reflection, respect and rememberence. ANZAC Day has always been a day that has touched me, and I'm always moved to tears at the Dawn Service. This year I took both my daughters with me, it being the first one Ayla has attended. Rhiannon has been to quite a few, but she has always been a child who is capable of being quiet and appreciating things that most adults can't. Ayla on the other hand, is the kind of child that can't keep quiet even if her life depended on it! But this morning she made me one proud mamma! Sitting quietly, taking everything in and saving her questions and observations for the walk back to the car <3
I thought that I would come home and snuggle back into the warmth of my bed and have a bit more sleep, but I'm the kind of person that once I'm awake, I'm up! So home for another coffee with my girl, who stayed tucked up in bed so we didn't have to take Connor (for those not aware, Connor has autism, and struggles big time with waiting and sitting still). I would have liked to take Connor to see how he went because his teacher wrote in his communication book yesterday that he sat beautifully through the service at school, and he was most excited to tell me he heard the "ANZAC song", but I really don't think that is the kind of place to test his patience. Perhaps next year.

So now today we are going to do the final finishing touches to the nursery, put the car seat in the car & just generally have a quiet relaxing day :-) love having days off with my family <3

Lest We Forget

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

Liquid Gold!

At our last ante natal visit last week the midwife mentioned something that is completely new to me, which isn't an overly odd thing as soooo much has changed in the past 8 years since I was pregnant! Apparently now it is a common practice to express colostrum before bub arrives! It's not recommended, or even allowed, until 36 weeks, as stimulation can cause uterine irritation and lead to contractions, but considering we are now in the 'full term' status (eeeeeeeeppppp), it's all systems go. 
Now I get the theory behind it all - you express some colostrum, hopefully remember to take it to the hospital in the mad rush that is sure to be craziness, and have it on hand 'just in case' baby needs to go to the nursery or can't feed properly from the breast. It's a great idea...in theory...but my concern with it is the pressure it places on the mum-to-be even before baby arrives! There is such a stigma attached to breasfeeding...it is such a taboo subject among many online & real life communities! And it shouldn't be! It saddens me that there is so much pressure and negativity surrounding something as simple as the basic human right to be nourished! 
I was very lucky to be able to breastfeed all 3 of my children! Infact, I was thinking about it while brushing my teeth (weird I know) and I have so far spent over 4 & 1/2 years being the human equivalent of a jersey cow lol! However, if I were unable to feed my babies, I would hope that I had enough positive support in my life to move onto bottle feeding without a hitch! Does it really matter how my babies are nourished? As long as they ARE in fact being nourished and properly cared for, who's f'ing business is it how it's achieved? 
Ok, getting right back down off my soapbox and back to the reason for my post! So we hit the 36 week mark on Tuesday, so tonight Channy had a go at getting some of that much desired liquid gold into a cup, and OMG did she what! I was a hell of a milk maker back in the day, and had enough milk to feed a small village, but I'm positive I wouldn't have gotten 25mls of the ever perfect colostrum BEFORE giving birth! My girl is a champion! She had been quite concerned about not being able to breast feed, even to the point of saying the other day that she was more worried about that than actually giving birth! Yup, she's nuts lol. But that is the pressure that is inadvertently put on mums! If the fear of not being able to breast feed is greater than the fear of labour and delivery, there is something seriously wrong with the message being sent to mums! 
I do my absolute best to support my girl in her decisions, regardless of what they are, and I will certainly not be forcing anything on her that she's not happy with! And I hope that the fact that she has managed to get far more from her first time expressing than I even thought possible, is enough to ease her mind and prove to her that it's not something that should be stressed over, rather something that should be embraced if possible, and moved on from with comfort & ease if not! 
So I'll leave you with the evidence! I certainly wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it, so wouldn't expect anyone else to ;-)

Off to catch some z's, because tomorrow is ANZAC day & my little girls & I are headed to the Dawn Service to pay our respects!

Night night all.

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx


Wednesday 23 April 2014

Womb with a view

So the OCD in me is starting to peek through...we moved our room around on Tuesday to make room for the bassinet (eeeeeeek!) and then last night when we were about to take our weekly photo we realised that the photo wouldn't be as easy to take...now Channy has to stand between the doors of the ensuite & walk in robe, and let me just say that the bump is almost as wide as the little part of the wall ;-)
But this also means that for some reason the pic is coming out less sharp :-( which means it isn't the same as the others, and not being the same kind of erks me lmao

4 weeks to go! OMG, how did that happen?

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

Talk about parallel universe!

So I stumbled across a FB page on Tuesday about a beautiful couple embarking on the journey of becoming mums, and reading through it all and watching their VLOGs I swear they are Channy & I 12 months ago! They live in Victoria, which is about the only place we differ, and they had experienced the loss of a bubba, and have just now discovered they are expecting again! Sooo much of what they write could have been written by Channy & I, it is just too much lol
It's almost as if I can go back and read their posts and relive what we were doing this time last year! Which is kind of nice, because it makes me remember things that I had probably forgotten what with all the excitement and focus that is on our little bubba now! 
If you want to take a look, head over here 2 Baby Mamas

In other news, Channy has been having some pretty intense cramping since yesterday, which is most likely pre-labour pains, which are a great thing! Not really ready for him to arrive just yet (well, physically & practically we are, have been for months now) but I think at least a couple more weeks of cooking would be ideal for him health & strength wise :-) 

We had a little chat last night about the possibility of him arriving on ANZAC Day (tomorrow) and whether we would include Zac in his name to honor our fallen ANZACs, but he already has 4 names, so to add another to the mix would just me asking for him to not be able to say or write his name properly until he hits puberty lol. 

It's starting to get a wee bit chilly here in the mornings, and anyone that knows me knows I HATE winter! But this year I'm actually really looking forward to it! The only reason being, that I had told myself months ago that the start of the cooler months means that we are getting so close to bringing baby into the world, so I can tolerate the chill purely for that :-)

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

Monday 21 April 2014

She know's ALL!

We went to visit my 80year old Nana today, and Channy made me laugh when we were getting ready this morning...she was looking for baggy clothes...in the hope that the belly would be inconspicuous! But my Nana being my Nana, knows all! Nothing was said the entire 3 hours we were there about the baby, not even the kids mentioned it, then as we were leaving, she asked Channy "so when's this one coming out?"!!!! The colour of Channy's face can only be likened to a tomato as she blushed away and said "4 weeks". That's the first time she has really made me stop & think, holy shit, there's a baby coming REALLY SOON! How did that happen? 8-/
I had mentioned to Channy early on in the pregnancy that regardless of whether or not we told Nana about the impending baby, she would know! The town she lives in is the town I grew up in, and it's a small country town in every sense of the phrase, in that everyone knows what everyone else is up to before they are actually up to it! So of course Nana knew about the baby! 
To be honest, it is somewhat of a relief! I know she will be excited when he comes, she does love little babies! 
We also went out and visited my dad's grave on the way home. I really wish we were closer so I could go more often. I really wonder what he would be thinking about the whole baby situation...he was a very straight down the line man, so I imagine he would be like Nana...don't talk about it and it's not a problem lol. I do miss him so very much :-( and really wish he was here to see his grand babies, all 4 of them. Going out there today kind of made me want to give the baby his middle name, but we are already set on a name, and Connor & I already have his name, so think it was just my emotions getting the better of me. 

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday

Bel xx

Friday 18 April 2014

A little light viewing

Now I've bored you all to death (not sure who I'm referring to yet, as I have a total of 0 readers lol) time for a little light viewing...here's Channy's growing belly in pictures. From the 12 week scan to now, 35 weeks. We didn't start doing photos until we hit the 17 week mark, so there a a couple early on not anywhere, but it really didn't change too much. That can't be said for weeks from 17 to 35 though ;-)

Thursday 17 April 2014

Here goes nothing!

How does one start a blog exactly? Well, smack bang in the middle of life I guess...so here goes...

I started to blog about this time last year...but that was all brought to a sudden halt! You see, we (being Channy & I) decided at the beginning of 2013 to add to our family! It was something that we had always talked about, pretty much from day 1. In the beginning, when we were just having 'fun' I had decided that I was done having kids, but the fact that Channy was only 21 meant that she was at a point in her life that she was just starting to really want them. Little did I know, that me saying that I didn't want anymore was almost a deal breaker for her. I have 3 children to a previous marriage, and in that relationship, the desire to have more kids was never even entertained. My ex was adamant that 3 was more than enough, especially considering that he didn't want any at all, I'd settled with the fact that 3 was better than none. So it took me a while to come to terms with the notion that I could now do whatever I wanted, even when it came to having kids!
So fast forward about 3 years, and one night we were talking, just before Christmas, and I blurted out that I wanted us to start trying to have a baby. The majority of the time we had talked about kids, I was going to be the one who carried, although Channy had a burning desire to have a child that was biologically hers, she was petrified of being pregnant & giving birth. To be honest, I think it was more a case of she was worried about what people would say & think if she were pregnant. I think deep down she has always been concerned about what other people think, which saddens me, because I'm the complete opposite...take me as I am or walk out of my life! I must admit though, when she decided to be the biological mother, I was a little relieved. Although I yearn to carry a baby and experience childbirth all over again, there is the factor of my family that comes into play...well, mainly my Nana. She knows that Channy & I are together, but my family, (all of them), have always been the kind of family that thinks that if you don't directly talk about something it's not actually there...ie. if we don't discuss my relationship with Channy, then we must just be friends. Ridiculous, I know, but that's how they are.
So anyway, trying to explain to my rather religious 80 year old Nana that I'm pregnant even though I'm not in a straight relationship would probably push her over the edge and I don't want to lose her! She's the only one in my family that I think still actually loves me! I'm pretty sure my parents (my mum & step-dad) know pretty much everything that goes on in my life from either cyber stalking or asking extended family members about my Facebook posts, but they aren't game to raise any of it for fear of being caught out! 
My parents and my only sibling, my older brother, all live in Melbourne, and have done for quite a few years now. We speak on the phone for special occasions and catch up briefly when they return to Queensland, which isn't more than maybe twice a year. 
So back on topic, I haven't told anyone in my family really about the very fast approaching birth of baby #4, because to them, the fact that Channy is having the baby would simply mean that she is having a baby, not that I am having a baby, or that my kids are going to have a younger sibling. 
Anyway, this time last year, we had searched long and hard and selected a donor to be father for our baby. We had entertained the idea of going through a clinic, but fertility wise, there was no reason why either of us couldn't conceive 'naturally', so we couldn't justify the cost of going through a clinic. So we had found a donor online - yep, you can even find sperm on the interwebs if you look hard enough - and set about the task of tracking ovulation and contacting the donor and organising collection and doing the deed lol. 
It all seemed so straight forward! We got the swimmers, put them in, and BANG Channy had a little belly bean growing away happily! All the precautions were taken, we were both being really healthy, Channy got all the proper medical care and attention, had been experiencing all the symptoms of being pregnant, and then come the 12 week scan, there was no tiny flicker on the screen where baby's heart beat should have been :'-( It was devastating to say the least. As much as you think you are prepared for the worst in those first fragile weeks, nothing can prepare you for loss and the pain that comes with it. I think the thing that got me the most was my then 9 year olds reaction to it. She was devastated. And although I had said I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to share it with the kids, I didn't realise just how much pain a young child can feel, when I didn't really think she actually understood what it was all about. 
So moving along a few months (a few monts of intense grief on Channy's part, and a few months of feeling absolutely hopeless on my part, because all I wanted to do was take the pain away) we decided to have another crack at it. Now our original donor had initially said he was happy to donate as many times as we wanted, whether it be that it didn't work or that we wanted siblings, but when it actually came to getting into contact with him after we had lost the baby (yes he was aware we were pregnant, yes he seemed genuinely happy for us, yes he was like an old mother hen saying make sure you take your vitamins and look after yourself, but that was possibly the doctor coming out in him) he was nowhere to be found. It's almost as if he'd fallen off the face of the earth. Now a simple, sorry I don't want to donate again was all we were asking for if that was the case, but we couldn't even get that out of him :-/
So we start the whole process again. Which, by the way, is filled with trials and tribulations all of its own! You have to sift through the weirdos and weed out the (for want of a better word lol) wankers, and deal with the comments like "I will only do it naturally, I'm not jizzing in a cup" or "can you two send through some videos to help me on my way", and let's face it, there are not too many men out there willing to give away their swimmers without getting something in return. BUT we hit the jackpot again, and found ourselves an awesome donor, who we were both extremely comfortable with, and went down the baby making road yet again...and...nothing :-( 
I had forgotten how heartbreaking the 1 single line on a home pregnancy test (or a few dozen of them really) can be! 
So we waited another month, moved house and tried again, and BANG baby on board!
Now to say we were on edge for the first 12 weeks is the understatement of the century! Until we had that much anticipated 12 week scan, we were walking on egg shells! And there it was! A perfect little (well on the slightly bigger side) healthy fully formed baby with a perfect little heartbeat flicking away on the screen! Breathe...breathe...breathe...
Fast forward 23 weeks, and in 5 weeks or thereabouts, we will have a screaming little bundle of 'joy' in our house, and wondering just why we decided to add madness to a house already full of mayhem! 
But to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way! I'm over the moon about this little person entering the world, knowing that I was a huge part, albeit not the biological mother, in bringing him into this world. Yes, it is a little boy :-D
So I realise that there are 20 odd weeks missing in this story, and probably the best part of it to have blogged, because there are details that I won't recall later on that I wish I had have, but you know, life just gets in the way far too often to be able to put keyboard to screen!
So here we are...sitting at 35 weeks 4 days pregnant, still a bit baffled that this is all actually going to happen. Sure, we have a nursery set up with more baby stuff than a small orphanage of babies could make use of...we have the protruding belly that moves and kicks and makes it impossible for Channy to reach her feet, but it is still so surreal that THERE IS A BABY IN THERE!
So it is my mission, in the mix of mayhem and madness, to blog the important things in life to pass on to my child! I've never been one for consistently keeping a journal, or even taking brief notes to remember things, but I need to! I want my kids to look back one day and say, hey, that's what my mums' lives were like. That's what we did to them when we were kids. That's how much they loved us regardless of what we did to them! And I can see them saying well, we really don't care, but thanks for thinking about us....so really this is just for me to reflect on later in life and realise that I did do good somewhere along the way! 

Now if you got this far through my first post, give yourself a pat on the back and reward yourself with a wine/chocolate/beer/whatever takes your fancy, because you are probably now wondering how the hell you get back the 10 minutes or so of time that you just waisted reading ;-) and if you are so inclined, pop back in again soon for another non eventful post, which will likely be when baby is turning 1 & I've found some spare time to drone on a bit more about what's happened in the last 12 months lol. 

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday

Bel xx