Monday, 29 September 2014

The end is near

Watching someone you love suffering from physical pain is hard, unbearable and just plain painful in itself. Watching someone you love suffering from emotional pain is gut wrenching, eternally soul breaking and worse than any physical pain you could ever go through.
I've see the woman I love in this much pain for the second time in our short four years together and I am lost. I am usually the voice or calm, reason and responsibility when it comes to other people. Just today I sat down and had a really great talk with a client struggling to decide on her next step career wise, and for the first time in a little while, the social worker in me came out. And it felt good. She was ever so grateful that I could listen impartially, re-present her options to her, and ultimately put the decision entirely in her hands. Which is what I studied a hell of a long time to learn how to do. Then tonight, I greet my beloved at the door for the third time in as many days, in tears after visiting her terminally ill Great Grandma, and I'm lost. It hurts. It hurts deep down in the pit of my stomach. It hurts with every beat of my heart. It hurts from my toes to the top of my head. All because I have no words of advice, not a single word of encouragement, not the ability to say what is needed. All because I hate to see her in pain. All because there is not a single word in any language that can change her feelings. Not that I want to change them. Grieving is important. It is essential to healing. It is part of life. And I HATE IT! 
Channy's Great Grandma is an amazing woman. I know people throw this term around so easily when it comes to the elderly, but this woman has had a tough 88 years on this earth, and she is staying strong right to the end. She is Great in every sense of the word. She is the funniest old dear that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I mean that! It has truly been a pleasure to be allowed in her life. I've not been in it for long, and I'm saddened by the fact that I won't get to spend more time with her, but our twice monthly visits to her for the past year and a bit, have been entertaining to say the least. Esther is not afraid to say how she thinks it is. She is not one to beat around the bush when it comes to opinions, and she doesn't care who is in earshot when she voices hers! She is the woman I strive to be. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and that is inspiring! 
She had 11 children! That in itself is amazing! ELEVEN! One of those 11 children is Channy's Nana, Margaret. And they are 2 peas in a pod. I admire Margaret and everything she has ever done for her family. She would probably never admit it, but she is such a giving person, she has so much love for those close to her, even if her way of showing it isn't all that conventional. And the life she has given to Channy, and the character she has built in her is amazing! If it weren't for her, Channy wouldn't be the girl I love today. 
To know that these two women are slowly treading through one of the hardest parts of their lives, tears me apart. Because I can't change it. I can't control it. I can't stop it. 
All I can do is be there. Do as I'm told when I'm told, which I've never been very good at. But for now, I know I can do it, because there is nothing more I can do. 
I visited Esther yesterday, for what I'm assuming will be the last time. She was her cheeky self when conscious, but looked so tired. Monday is our regular second visit for the month, and we are told it's not looking likely she will make it until then. She has been able to spend a lot of time with Channy & Luca in the past few days, and I'm grateful that all three of them will always have that. Even though Luca won't remember it, he will know is Great Great Grandma in every way we can show him. 

Update: We just got news that Esther lost her fight today. :'( Channy I think was feeling good to be back at work & in some sort of normal routine, after the past 5 days in and out of the nursing home, and then her whole world came crashing down!
We both spent quite some time in there yesterday, and although Esther was unconscious, I think she was well aware of the love in the room. Channy's family have always been so loving towards me and my kids, but I've only had a small amount to do with her extended family, and after last night, I saw that the rest of the family is just as loving! That tiny little room was bursting at the seams with love for an amazing woman, and it was an honour to be part of that and be treated like part of the family! 

No comments:

Post a Comment