Thursday, 17 April 2014

Here goes nothing!

How does one start a blog exactly? Well, smack bang in the middle of life I here goes...

I started to blog about this time last year...but that was all brought to a sudden halt! You see, we (being Channy & I) decided at the beginning of 2013 to add to our family! It was something that we had always talked about, pretty much from day 1. In the beginning, when we were just having 'fun' I had decided that I was done having kids, but the fact that Channy was only 21 meant that she was at a point in her life that she was just starting to really want them. Little did I know, that me saying that I didn't want anymore was almost a deal breaker for her. I have 3 children to a previous marriage, and in that relationship, the desire to have more kids was never even entertained. My ex was adamant that 3 was more than enough, especially considering that he didn't want any at all, I'd settled with the fact that 3 was better than none. So it took me a while to come to terms with the notion that I could now do whatever I wanted, even when it came to having kids!
So fast forward about 3 years, and one night we were talking, just before Christmas, and I blurted out that I wanted us to start trying to have a baby. The majority of the time we had talked about kids, I was going to be the one who carried, although Channy had a burning desire to have a child that was biologically hers, she was petrified of being pregnant & giving birth. To be honest, I think it was more a case of she was worried about what people would say & think if she were pregnant. I think deep down she has always been concerned about what other people think, which saddens me, because I'm the complete opposite...take me as I am or walk out of my life! I must admit though, when she decided to be the biological mother, I was a little relieved. Although I yearn to carry a baby and experience childbirth all over again, there is the factor of my family that comes into play...well, mainly my Nana. She knows that Channy & I are together, but my family, (all of them), have always been the kind of family that thinks that if you don't directly talk about something it's not actually if we don't discuss my relationship with Channy, then we must just be friends. Ridiculous, I know, but that's how they are.
So anyway, trying to explain to my rather religious 80 year old Nana that I'm pregnant even though I'm not in a straight relationship would probably push her over the edge and I don't want to lose her! She's the only one in my family that I think still actually loves me! I'm pretty sure my parents (my mum & step-dad) know pretty much everything that goes on in my life from either cyber stalking or asking extended family members about my Facebook posts, but they aren't game to raise any of it for fear of being caught out! 
My parents and my only sibling, my older brother, all live in Melbourne, and have done for quite a few years now. We speak on the phone for special occasions and catch up briefly when they return to Queensland, which isn't more than maybe twice a year. 
So back on topic, I haven't told anyone in my family really about the very fast approaching birth of baby #4, because to them, the fact that Channy is having the baby would simply mean that she is having a baby, not that I am having a baby, or that my kids are going to have a younger sibling. 
Anyway, this time last year, we had searched long and hard and selected a donor to be father for our baby. We had entertained the idea of going through a clinic, but fertility wise, there was no reason why either of us couldn't conceive 'naturally', so we couldn't justify the cost of going through a clinic. So we had found a donor online - yep, you can even find sperm on the interwebs if you look hard enough - and set about the task of tracking ovulation and contacting the donor and organising collection and doing the deed lol. 
It all seemed so straight forward! We got the swimmers, put them in, and BANG Channy had a little belly bean growing away happily! All the precautions were taken, we were both being really healthy, Channy got all the proper medical care and attention, had been experiencing all the symptoms of being pregnant, and then come the 12 week scan, there was no tiny flicker on the screen where baby's heart beat should have been :'-( It was devastating to say the least. As much as you think you are prepared for the worst in those first fragile weeks, nothing can prepare you for loss and the pain that comes with it. I think the thing that got me the most was my then 9 year olds reaction to it. She was devastated. And although I had said I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to share it with the kids, I didn't realise just how much pain a young child can feel, when I didn't really think she actually understood what it was all about. 
So moving along a few months (a few monts of intense grief on Channy's part, and a few months of feeling absolutely hopeless on my part, because all I wanted to do was take the pain away) we decided to have another crack at it. Now our original donor had initially said he was happy to donate as many times as we wanted, whether it be that it didn't work or that we wanted siblings, but when it actually came to getting into contact with him after we had lost the baby (yes he was aware we were pregnant, yes he seemed genuinely happy for us, yes he was like an old mother hen saying make sure you take your vitamins and look after yourself, but that was possibly the doctor coming out in him) he was nowhere to be found. It's almost as if he'd fallen off the face of the earth. Now a simple, sorry I don't want to donate again was all we were asking for if that was the case, but we couldn't even get that out of him :-/
So we start the whole process again. Which, by the way, is filled with trials and tribulations all of its own! You have to sift through the weirdos and weed out the (for want of a better word lol) wankers, and deal with the comments like "I will only do it naturally, I'm not jizzing in a cup" or "can you two send through some videos to help me on my way", and let's face it, there are not too many men out there willing to give away their swimmers without getting something in return. BUT we hit the jackpot again, and found ourselves an awesome donor, who we were both extremely comfortable with, and went down the baby making road yet again...and...nothing :-( 
I had forgotten how heartbreaking the 1 single line on a home pregnancy test (or a few dozen of them really) can be! 
So we waited another month, moved house and tried again, and BANG baby on board!
Now to say we were on edge for the first 12 weeks is the understatement of the century! Until we had that much anticipated 12 week scan, we were walking on egg shells! And there it was! A perfect little (well on the slightly bigger side) healthy fully formed baby with a perfect little heartbeat flicking away on the screen! Breathe...breathe...breathe...
Fast forward 23 weeks, and in 5 weeks or thereabouts, we will have a screaming little bundle of 'joy' in our house, and wondering just why we decided to add madness to a house already full of mayhem! 
But to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way! I'm over the moon about this little person entering the world, knowing that I was a huge part, albeit not the biological mother, in bringing him into this world. Yes, it is a little boy :-D
So I realise that there are 20 odd weeks missing in this story, and probably the best part of it to have blogged, because there are details that I won't recall later on that I wish I had have, but you know, life just gets in the way far too often to be able to put keyboard to screen!
So here we are...sitting at 35 weeks 4 days pregnant, still a bit baffled that this is all actually going to happen. Sure, we have a nursery set up with more baby stuff than a small orphanage of babies could make use of...we have the protruding belly that moves and kicks and makes it impossible for Channy to reach her feet, but it is still so surreal that THERE IS A BABY IN THERE!
So it is my mission, in the mix of mayhem and madness, to blog the important things in life to pass on to my child! I've never been one for consistently keeping a journal, or even taking brief notes to remember things, but I need to! I want my kids to look back one day and say, hey, that's what my mums' lives were like. That's what we did to them when we were kids. That's how much they loved us regardless of what we did to them! And I can see them saying well, we really don't care, but thanks for thinking about really this is just for me to reflect on later in life and realise that I did do good somewhere along the way! 

Now if you got this far through my first post, give yourself a pat on the back and reward yourself with a wine/chocolate/beer/whatever takes your fancy, because you are probably now wondering how the hell you get back the 10 minutes or so of time that you just waisted reading ;-) and if you are so inclined, pop back in again soon for another non eventful post, which will likely be when baby is turning 1 & I've found some spare time to drone on a bit more about what's happened in the last 12 months lol. 

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday

Bel xx

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