Remembering

Today, October 15th, is the day that people around the world stop at 7pm to remember their babies that are are no longer earthside. Sadly, we fall into this group. A group that is massive in volume. A group that nobody should have to belong to. A group I wouldn't wish being part of on my worst enemy. No parent should have to endure the pain that the loss of a baby brings. It is devastating, to say the least. 

In May last year, Channy & I headed to our 12 week scan with all the excitement that is necessary for parents-to-be, and then some. Only to walk out of that tiny little room a change couple. A couple that didn't want to face the harsh light of day and the reality that our baby would never witness it. It was a heart-crushing moment to see that teensy tiny blob on the screen in place of what should have been a moving little baby with limbs and a heartbeat. I knew as soon as the image came up that something was terribly wrong. We don't know what happened to our precious little bean. We don't know for certain if it was a boy or girl. But we felt the pain of a billion knives being driven into our hearts, and twisted upon entry. 

I know far too many people who have lost babies, at various stages or pregnancy and post natal. It's just not fair! Nothing more can be said except the world is a fucked up place sometimes!

So today we remember our little jelly bean, and wonder what might have been...but at the same time we reflect on the fact that if we hadn't have suffered such a tragedy, we wouldn't have our precious little Luca filling our lives with love and light! 

Whilst I am speaking of loss, 2 weeks ago today, we suffered a great loss in our lives. Channy's Great Grandmother Esther passed away after putting up one hell of a fight to stick around! She was an amazing lady, and one I am so grateful to have welcomed me into her family. She was a beautiful soul who so dearly loved her family, and was completely besotted with Luca. We would visit her at least two Monday's a month when we didn't have my kids, and let me tell you that woman was a hoot! The funeral was held last Tuesday, and was a beautiful service, filled with memories of a lady loved by all. Channy's Nana, Margaret, asked me to speak on her behalf, and I can tell you I have never felt so honoured or part of a family in my life! I feel more a part of this amazing family than I do my own. It was hard to get up and say things that were so meaningful to someone else, especially because they meant so much to me too. Esther's passing has left a massive hole in everyone's lives, and she will be sadly missed :-( 

So in a nutshell, the first post I've done in months is one filled with sadness, but if it's the last one I do for another 4 months, it was important.

The end is near

Watching someone you love suffering from physical pain is hard, unbearable and just plain painful in itself. Watching someone you love suffering from emotional pain is gut wrenching, eternally soul breaking and worse than any physical pain you could ever go through.

I've see the woman I love in this much pain for the second time in our short four years together and I am lost. I am usually the voice or calm, reason and responsibility when it comes to other people. Just today I sat down and had a really great talk with a client struggling to decide on her next step career wise, and for the first time in a little while, the social worker in me came out. And it felt good. She was ever so grateful that I could listen impartially, re-present her options to her, and ultimately put the decision entirely in her hands. Which is what I studied a hell of a long time to learn how to do. Then tonight, I greet my beloved at the door for the third time in as many days, in tears after visiting her terminally ill Great Grandma, and I'm lost. It hurts. It hurts deep down in the pit of my stomach. It hurts with every beat of my heart. It hurts from my toes to the top of my head. All because I have no words of advice, not a single word of encouragement, not the ability to say what is needed. All because I hate to see her in pain. All because there is not a single word in any language that can change her feelings. Not that I want to change them. Grieving is important. It is essential to healing. It is part of life. And I HATE IT! 

Channy's Great Grandma is an amazing woman. I know people throw this term around so easily when it comes to the elderly, but this woman has had a tough 88 years on this earth, and she is staying strong right to the end. She is Great in every sense of the word. She is the funniest old dear that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I mean that! It has truly been a pleasure to be allowed in her life. I've not been in it for long, and I'm saddened by the fact that I won't get to spend more time with her, but our twice monthly visits to her for the past year and a bit, have been entertaining to say the least. Esther is not afraid to say how she thinks it is. She is not one to beat around the bush when it comes to opinions, and she doesn't care who is in earshot when she voices hers! She is the woman I strive to be. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and that is inspiring! 

She had 11 children! That in itself is amazing! ELEVEN! One of those 11 children is Channy's Nana, Margaret. And they are 2 peas in a pod. I admire Margaret and everything she has ever done for her family. She would probably never admit it, but she is such a giving person, she has so much love for those close to her, even if her way of showing it isn't all that conventional. And the life she has given to Channy, and the character she has built in her is amazing! If it weren't for her, Channy wouldn't be the girl I love today. 

To know that these two women are slowly treading through one of the hardest parts of their lives, tears me apart. Because I can't change it. I can't control it. I can't stop it. 

All I can do is be there. Do as I'm told when I'm told, which I've never been very good at. But for now, I know I can do it, because there is nothing more I can do. 

I visited Esther yesterday, for what I'm assuming will be the last time. She was her cheeky self when conscious, but looked so tired. Monday is our regular second visit for the month, and we are told it's not looking likely she will make it until then. She has been able to spend a lot of time with Channy & Luca in the past few days, and I'm grateful that all three of them will always have that. Even though Luca won't remember it, he will know is Great Great Grandma in every way we can show him. 

Update: We just got news that Esther lost her fight today. :'( Channy I think was feeling good to be back at work & in some sort of normal routine, after the past 5 days in and out of the nursing home, and then her whole world came crashing down!
We both spent quite some time in there yesterday, and although Esther was unconscious, I think she was well aware of the love in the room. Channy's family have always been so loving towards me and my kids, but I've only had a small amount to do with her extended family, and after last night, I saw that the rest of the family is just as loving! That tiny little room was bursting at the seams with love for an amazing woman, and it was an honour to be part of that and be treated like part of the family! 

Whoops

Well, life kind of got in the way of blogging! Actually, more the need for sleep lol. Luca, you had been going oh so well at this sleeping thing, and just when we thought you were approaching the first sleep through the night, BANG you had the most unsettled night of all! 3 nights ago, you decided it was party time at 1am. Not cool son, not cool! Well the 1am thing wasn't so bad, more the fact that you dragged it out til 4am, ended up super over tired and super cranky! This mumma ended up taking over, as your other mumma was beside herself because she couldn't settle you. So I wrangled you into a straight jacket hold and patted your butt for all it was worth, and eventually you gave in! That was on Tuesday night...followed by a 12 hour day for me at work! By the end of the night, I was SHAGGED! Lucky you are so damn cute kiddo! 

So what else has happened? Well, you hit 6 weeks old on Wednesday, which was when other mumma's check up at the doctors was, but with my lack of sleep, I just let her sleep in and completely forgot about it, until it woke her up & she reminded me...oops. So that's been rescheduled for today.

Speaking of "other mumma" we still haven't decided what you will call us both...but I guess there is plenty of time yet right lol. 

You are still a pretty chunky baby, and we are thinking possibly reflux, but you aren't in pain, so we are persisting with it! All,the while being armed with a spew rag at any given moment! 

We have also discovered that you are tongue tied, which may explain your lack of latching at times, but we will talk to the doctor about options at your 8 week check. 

You are such a smiley baby now! The kind of smile that just melts my heart every time. The big wide open mouth smile, like you just realised that you can do it 😄 

We've had a few goo's & gaa's too which is simply adorable! 

You are slowly starting to fit into some of the clothes we bought for you while you were cooking, but still mostly in clothes that we had bought you after you were born...but out of the preemie ones, so starting to look more like a little man!

Your eyes are constantly changing colours...blue, green, brown...think you might be like mumma and not have a set colour. Hers change all the time, and sometimes she has one green and one blue! 

You are almost bald, which is so cute! The majority of you hair has fallen out on top, which means you are likely to have a killer mullet by the time your first birthday rolls around! Still no sign of curls yet, but we'll see! 

We had some gorgeous photos done for us a couple of weeks ago, and in the words of the photographer, you were a rock star! Can't wait to get the whole package of them! The sneak peek was just too much of a teaser! 

Generally you are a very content baby, especially when you are up at the salon! Many of our clients don't even realise you are there, you are so good ☺️ Proud mummy moment right there!

Anyway son, I need to go and get ready for work & drop the kid lets off at school!

I love you two times...always & forever! 

xx

Letter to Luca

Well Tiny Guy, today is the day you were supposed to make your way into this world...instead, you are 2 weeks & 6 days old! You are such a relaxed baby! Well, you weren't last night, but if it was a one off, I'll let it slide, just this once! Think it may have something to do with the coffee mum had yesterday afternoon. Hoping that it was the coffee lol.

Yesterday you were weighed at the chemist, and you have gained a whopping 600 grams since birth! You have hit the 3kg mark (6lb9oz). You are still a fairly chunky bub, and yesterday was probably the worst you've been so far, so thinking perhaps mum drinking cows milk doesn't agree with you! 

We got a new hot water system yesterday (finally no more boiling the jug for yours or the kids baths!) so mum & I had to go to Aunty Erin & Uncle Craig's for a shower as the new system hadn't kicked in yet. That was the first time mum had been away from you! She did pretty good! She was gone for almost an hour! She said it felt really strange! On the flip side, you & I got to spend some time together :-)

You had a good little snooze, then a bath, which you now LOVE, but HATE getting out of. You screamed the house down! I'm surprised you didn't wake the other kids up! Then I gave you a bottle of mumma's milk, which I love doing! I feel kind of left out when it comes to the nourishment side of raising you! But I, so proud of mum for what she has been able to achieve when it comes to feeding! She's a trooper, that's for sure. Hopefully you let her get some rest today, because she doesn't do too well with lack of sleep. 

On Sunday we all went on your very first shopping trip, and bought you some new clothes that we thought would fit, but are still a bit big. Plenty of growing room though. 

I think winter has well & truly hit, and I think you like it as much as me...not at all! 

Tomorrow the kids got to their fathers house for a few days, which will be nice to just chill with you & mum for the first time since you were born. Long story short, their father decided he needed to take a holiday so they have been here for longer than normal, which was great that they were here when you were born and have had more time than they would have to get to know you, but they are going to be so out of whack when they come back! They always are, and this time is sure to be worse :-( We will try and make it as easy on everyone as possible, so just hang in there buddy!

Mum is healing well from your birth, and all her stitches are gone now. She has come up to the salon with you a few times and you just sleep pretty much! Everyone who has met you is so in love with you, which makes mum & I so proud :-) we did a good job growing you :-) 

I don't think your first real smile is too far off Tiny Guy! You are such an inquisitive little man! Taking everything in during your awake times. You love love love to be snuggled, and you still love to be swaddled nice & tight. 

We both think that your eyes are going to turn brown. They are so big and dark, but we could be wrong. They will either be brown or green, or perhaps like mum's and change between green and blue.

You are getting 2 very special visitors on Friday - Aunty Tracey and her beautiful little (well not so little anymore) girl Renai. They have to come down to the Royal Children's Hospital for Renai. I can't wait to see her reaction to you! And I know Aunty Tracey can't wait to cuddle you! I think she wants to take you home with her, but that's not going to happen ;-) 

Anyway, Tiny Guy, I have to get the girls to school, and go to work myself. You be good for mummy today and let her get some sleep.

I love you more than life itself Tiny

xoxoxo

2 weeks down!

I can't believe how FAST the past two weeks have gone :( Our little boy is growing so quickly! He'll be moved out and heading off into the world before we know it! But it is exciting at the same time.
He has slotted into our family sooooo well! He truly is a dream baby. He is content and happy and relaxed, and he even put himself to sleep last night! OMG where did this baby come from lol.

The kids have adjusted so well to having a new baby in the house. There were a couple of hiccups at the beginning with Ayla and feeling sad that she was no longer the baby, but that all seems to be smoothed over now YAY.

I absolutely HATE having to come to work each day and be without 2 of my favourite people. But I know I have to do it. Oh to win the lotto and live like a queen!
Channy is recovering so well too! She amazes me, although just quietly I think she may be trying to push herself a bit too much. She said last night that she hates not being able to do stuff for herself. Not so much now, but earlier when she couldn't even dry herself. She has turned into such an independent person since I first met her. I'm so proud of her :)

So feeding routine at this point is aprox every 4 hours during the day, sometimes 3, and he only wakes at around midnight & 4/5am for feeds! See, DREAM BABY!

Bath time is becoming more fun too! That is generally my job in the afternoon, which I look forward to all day long! The first couple of days, Luca would scream blue murder every time he felt the press studs pop open. He HATED being naked! Certainly doesn't take after Channy there ;-). But now he is quite content to lie on the change table for a bit kicking freely! He seems to have settle down on the peeing on everything in sight as soon as the nappy comes off too lol. Probably shouldn't speak too soon though hey! So anyway, the bath is now a fun time for him. He is so relaxed in there now, and happy to float around and kick his little frog legs naaaaaaaw <3
I can't wait until we have hot water again (whole other story right there) so I can put him in the shower! I think he'll LOVE it!

I am absolutely loving being a mum all over again. This sounds quite tragically sad, but I don't have much in the way of photos and mementos from when my kids were small, because a certain ex-husband has taken it upon himself to keep all of that :-( And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to replace all of that with Luca, but I really am cherishing every single moment! Taking a buzsquillion photos every single day too!

Actually I found this awesome app, which I'm excited to look back on, that is called Project365 which is like a calendar but you put a photo in each day! I have set a reminder for each day so that I don't forget (yeah right, like that's going to happen lol) so when Luca turns 1 I have a running view of how much he has changed! I love the idea! Seriously, check it out! Download the app and start snapping away!

Not much else is happening in our little world at the moment! We are all living harmoniously with a newborn in the house! I don't know how, but we just are :)

So at risk of starting to prattle on about the Federal Budget from last night, I'm going to sign off now, and go & have coffee with a friend & my 2 favourites! (Thanks Budget, for making my morning at work non existent!)

I'll leave you with a photo of perfection!

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday

Bel xx

Oh I almost forgot! I called my nana to wish her a happy Mother's Day & told her about Luca and she was genuinely excited 😄 I knew she would be but there was always that small amount of doubt in my mind! She was also quite concerned that Channy had to have a c-section, which was lovely! I love my Nana! I also spoke to Mum, and although I know she would know, nothing was exchanged about the baby situation! I know everyone probably thinks that's wrong because it's their grandchild, but that's how awkard our relationship is 😒

One week on!

WOW! I can't believe it has been a whole week since the whirlwind that was welcoming Luca! This time a week ago channy was being stitched up and I was in complete awe if what she had just done and the tiny guy that was in my arms!

And life since has been a dream! He's an amazingly calm baby, who sleeps even better! He only wakes for 2 night feeds, around midnight & 5! I know right! A trooper! 

He had his home midwife visit on Monday, and we were lucky enough that it was Jillian, the midwife that spent 15 hours with us last week! He passed everything with flying colours, and he was just 10g off his birth weight (2510) which is FANTASTIC! Channy is a machine!

Tuesday Channy ventured out with Luca for the first time, as he had a doctors appointment. We have a small practice in the centre where the salon is, so she came up to work with me and just hung around for the morning. Luca was a dream while there! He slept the entire time 😃 

He apparently pee'd all over the doctor, which is his favourite thing to do -nappy off means open shot for this kid lol.

We also went to visit Kenny on Tuesday afternoon, who is our tattooist. That would have to be the hardest thing for Channy to do the whole pregnancy - not get a tattoo! So we went to show him Luca, which only made Luca look even smaller, because Kenny is a BIG guy! Now this whole experience has left me a bit miffed...not the visiting of Kenny bit, but the fact that Channy booked in to get Luca's name tattooed on her, seems to be open for public opinion! So she posted on Facebook that she is booked in for the 2nd of June, and within a matter of seconds, people thought it their right to comment that if she is breasfeeding, she shouldn't do it! Last I checked, Channy & I were Luca's parents! Not anybody else! There is this modern day thing called expressing breast milk, that mothers sometimes do, and that is the intention when it comes to getting tattooed! Not that it is anyone's business, but I can assure you that if Kenny had have said that it was not safe while breasfeeding, then she would wait forever! NOTHING is more important to her than that little guy, and she isn't about to put him in harms way for something as minor as a new tattoo! This was Channy's first experience of public opinion when it comes to parenting. Not my first, and probably not either of our last! But all the same, when did it become ok to judge, criticise and ridicule somebody else's parenting choices? I certainly wouldn't do it, so don't expect to be on the other end of it. 

I am still in complete disbelief that he is actually here, and cannot believe how content and calm he is! Looking back on my own first baby and he was a ball or tense, screaming, cranky flesh! I think that has a lot to do with the fact that Channy is so calm as well though.

The other exciting thing that happened today was his cord fell off! And he has the cutest little belly button! I love the anticipation of waiting for it to fall off to see what it looks like underneath! There is simply nothing cuter than a baby belly button ❤️

I am absolutely hating having to go to work and leave two of my favourite people behind, but I know I have to do it 😔 so the deal is Channy has to send me a buzillion photos to keep me going! And this was one of today's photos...which had me in stitches! This is one of Ayla's toy babies that is just a regular size doll, and at 1 week old he is still smaller than it! Bless.

Be kind to yourself and love those around you just a little bit more than you did yesterday
Bel xx

What a whirlwind!

It's Saturday morning and we had our first night at home with Luca. I cannot believe it has all happened! He's here! He's actually here!

Being on this side of things makes it feel like it's never actually going to happen! But it did. And we have a baby!

I still cannot get over how tiny he is! It doesn't make me feel nervous or the need to be super careful, he's just miniature compared to my porker babies!

Now I said I would go back to the birth as soon as possible, but it was all such a rush I'm not sure I actually can. The thing that blows my mind the most is the idea that waiting 15 minutes of them testing his blood gases he was OUT! He was born. But to me it seemed like a life time. Everyone who has been through it says the same thing, but it really really really did feel like forever. 

So now he's attaching for feeds much easier, which I think has a lot to do with Channy feeling comfortable at home, and not have different people tell her different things. That and the fact that he now knows what he should be doing.

Channy is feeling sore, but the worst of it is she has all this phlem on her chest that she can't cough up properly because it hurts and I think that's worse than the pain in her belly. So last night we put the humidifier on so hopefully that will help break it up a bit. 

I'm a bit bummed that I have to go to work today, but if I don't, then the million bills that are due right now won't get paid 😞