Sometimes I Struggle

Yep, sometimes I struggle. And this statement would come as a huge shock to anyone who knows me, because I'm always the confident, outgoing, bubbly, happy one! But sometimes I struggle. I struggle to "come out" sometimes. 

Actually, I struggle with that phrase! Why the fuck should I have to continue to "come out"? 

So let me help you make sense of this. I'm a hairdresser, which means that 6 days a week, I not only listen to my clients but I talk to them too! I own my salon, so I feel I need to uphold a certain amount of professionalism with my clients. But I don't want my salon to be a stuffy, stuck up, prissy environment where people don't feel comfortable, so I share my life with my clients. If I had a dollar for every client that has said to me coming into the salon is more like going to a friends house for coffee and a chat, I wouldn't need to be a business owner! I'd be rich! And I love that! I love that our clients have been part of our lives. I love that they took the journey with us of losing our baby and then the pregnancy and then Luca. I love that they feel like they know my three older kids, even though most have not met them. I love that they support us and our openness and the fact that we are a gay couple just trying to make an honest living...but sometimes I hold it in.

Today was one of those times. I had an absolutely beautiful woman, inside and out, sit in my chair today for the first time, and we chatted like we were new best friends. This seems to happen often. I get on really well with all of my clients, on a personal and professional level, but sometimes there is that client that just seems to click! We just start with small talk, and before you know it, I know every little detail about their life! And I LOVE this part of my job. I love that people feel comfortable enough to tell me things like their ex-husband cheated on them so they left, that their children are going through a shitty stage in life and they don't like them very much, that their parents are in their 90's and they hope that when they die they do it together in their sleep! Yep, all of these conversations were had today! With different clients, but my last client for the day was a new one, and one that I just clicked with. We just started with the usual, where are you from originally, do you have plans for Christmas, blah blah blah...then we just couldn't shut up! She spoke to me about things I don't think she realised she needed to tell someone, and I was open with her...to a point. Channy wasn't at work today, and I did mention my partner, and my kids, but didn't refer to Channy as her, or she or Channy. Don't get me wrong, I think she would have been fine with it, and if not, oh well, too bad, find another hairdresser, but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth! I struggled! And that pisses me off! Why should I have to be conscious of how I word things just in case I may offend someone? Why should I sensor my conversations, just in case someone may look at me strange? Why should I have to come out over and over again? I shouldn't! Straight people don't have to announce that they are attracted to the opposite sex, so why should gay people? 

Inevitably I'm guessing she will figure it out at her next appointment, if not before. I know we are "known" in the area for being the gay hairdressers with the baby, and even our most pretentious, religious, and oldest clients accept and embrace that. So why do I struggle with it at times?