Sweet baby stay!

Oh sweet sweet boy, don't grow up! The world can be a horrible place and I don't ever want you to know that. But to appreciate the beauty in the world you must also see the evil.
Watching you in the dead of the night melts my heart. You fill me with so much joy.  You remind me why I go on each day.
You stirred in your cot about 25 minutes ago and when I walked in you were all scrunched up the wrong end of it trying to crawl...well somewhere. Eyes closed, fists clenched and nose scrunched up. The cutest baby around. But after I picked you up and gave you a reassuring snuggle and kiss and put you back down, I stood and watched. You never cease to amaze me. You are so tiny and you have so much to learn, yet you have learned so much already!
We have managed to get you to fall in love with a toy giraffe named Gordon and you shove him in your face and breathe him in and squeeze the life out of him and chew on his ears and tail. When I put you back in your cot you instantly searched for him. I love that you take comfort in a toy. My other 3 kidlets all did and it was a true saviour at times.
Tonight,  standing watching you watching your Tigger night light, I thought what I often do and wondered what you were thinking. Then as if you read my mind you put your hand over tigger and looked up. You looked up to see if it changed the light on the roof. Then you took your hand off and looked up. You did this a few times, then you put Gordon ontop of the light and looked up and giggled. You are learning cause & effect and it amazes me. As an adult it is easy to take minor things for granted. So when something so small comes across as something so big to such a tiny person it suddenly becomes huge for me too.
You humble me son. You make me see the little things. You make me appreciate what I should be and not what I have been.
Thank you sweet boy. Thank you for choosing us as your parents and giving us the gift of living life from the beginning again.

Sometimes I Struggle

Yep, sometimes I struggle. And this statement would come as a huge shock to anyone who knows me, because I'm always the confident, outgoing, bubbly, happy one! But sometimes I struggle. I struggle to "come out" sometimes. 

Actually, I struggle with that phrase! Why the fuck should I have to continue to "come out"? 

So let me help you make sense of this. I'm a hairdresser, which means that 6 days a week, I not only listen to my clients but I talk to them too! I own my salon, so I feel I need to uphold a certain amount of professionalism with my clients. But I don't want my salon to be a stuffy, stuck up, prissy environment where people don't feel comfortable, so I share my life with my clients. If I had a dollar for every client that has said to me coming into the salon is more like going to a friends house for coffee and a chat, I wouldn't need to be a business owner! I'd be rich! And I love that! I love that our clients have been part of our lives. I love that they took the journey with us of losing our baby and then the pregnancy and then Luca. I love that they feel like they know my three older kids, even though most have not met them. I love that they support us and our openness and the fact that we are a gay couple just trying to make an honest living...but sometimes I hold it in.

Today was one of those times. I had an absolutely beautiful woman, inside and out, sit in my chair today for the first time, and we chatted like we were new best friends. This seems to happen often. I get on really well with all of my clients, on a personal and professional level, but sometimes there is that client that just seems to click! We just start with small talk, and before you know it, I know every little detail about their life! And I LOVE this part of my job. I love that people feel comfortable enough to tell me things like their ex-husband cheated on them so they left, that their children are going through a shitty stage in life and they don't like them very much, that their parents are in their 90's and they hope that when they die they do it together in their sleep! Yep, all of these conversations were had today! With different clients, but my last client for the day was a new one, and one that I just clicked with. We just started with the usual, where are you from originally, do you have plans for Christmas, blah blah blah...then we just couldn't shut up! She spoke to me about things I don't think she realised she needed to tell someone, and I was open with her...to a point. Channy wasn't at work today, and I did mention my partner, and my kids, but didn't refer to Channy as her, or she or Channy. Don't get me wrong, I think she would have been fine with it, and if not, oh well, too bad, find another hairdresser, but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth! I struggled! And that pisses me off! Why should I have to be conscious of how I word things just in case I may offend someone? Why should I sensor my conversations, just in case someone may look at me strange? Why should I have to come out over and over again? I shouldn't! Straight people don't have to announce that they are attracted to the opposite sex, so why should gay people? 

Inevitably I'm guessing she will figure it out at her next appointment, if not before. I know we are "known" in the area for being the gay hairdressers with the baby, and even our most pretentious, religious, and oldest clients accept and embrace that. So why do I struggle with it at times? 

1/2 a year already!

Well, our tiny guy has reached the 1/2 way mark to his first birthday! I simply cannot believe it! How the hell did that happen? 

He is simply the cutest baby (naturally) that ever graced this earth! He is such a content happy bubba! 

And naturally he is "advanced" bahahahahaha...well he is in some areas! He's the laziest baby going around! Won't roll, unless he feels like it and isn't even close to looking like he will crawl in this millennium...but he sits! Yep, he'll sit unaided, but once he's had enough, bang, he throws himself backwards or face plants and cracks it! But if I were a baby with 5 other people bowing to my every whim, I sure as hell wouldn't be moving very far either! So that brings me to the "advanced" comment...he's SMART! He is clever beyond his months! He started saying Mumma at 5 1/2 months! I know what you are thinking, not possible...and we thought the same...a baby that young can't possibly do it! We thought we were hearing things. Willing it to be true...but it WAS! Then it started to get clearer after a few days...then he ripped out bubba...WHOA slow down kiddo, you aren't quite 6 months old and you have two words! WTF? 

THEN he let nana slip a few times a week later. Now we get the following, generally as a babble like he's telling us a reeeeeeeally important story. It goes so,etching like his "mummummummuma, bubububub, mummummummuma, da, nan, bubububub, dadada, bum." Yep, you read right...BUM! Much to Ayla's (my 7 year old) disgust. At which she pipes up, no Luca, you don't say bum, that's rude, you say bottom! Bless her, she's so cute! 

So we have an advanced baby ;-) 

More likely it has to do with the fact that he is constantly surrounded by people, whether it be us, the kids or clients, and between all of us, he hears CONSTANT talking...so the poor kid has already figured out that if he is to get a word in edgewise, he's gonna have to speak up, and soon! And that he does! 

Adore him beyond belief! 

Remembering

Today, October 15th, is the day that people around the world stop at 7pm to remember their babies that are are no longer earthside. Sadly, we fall into this group. A group that is massive in volume. A group that nobody should have to belong to. A group I wouldn't wish being part of on my worst enemy. No parent should have to endure the pain that the loss of a baby brings. It is devastating, to say the least. 

In May last year, Channy & I headed to our 12 week scan with all the excitement that is necessary for parents-to-be, and then some. Only to walk out of that tiny little room a change couple. A couple that didn't want to face the harsh light of day and the reality that our baby would never witness it. It was a heart-crushing moment to see that teensy tiny blob on the screen in place of what should have been a moving little baby with limbs and a heartbeat. I knew as soon as the image came up that something was terribly wrong. We don't know what happened to our precious little bean. We don't know for certain if it was a boy or girl. But we felt the pain of a billion knives being driven into our hearts, and twisted upon entry. 

I know far too many people who have lost babies, at various stages or pregnancy and post natal. It's just not fair! Nothing more can be said except the world is a fucked up place sometimes!

So today we remember our little jelly bean, and wonder what might have been...but at the same time we reflect on the fact that if we hadn't have suffered such a tragedy, we wouldn't have our precious little Luca filling our lives with love and light! 

Whilst I am speaking of loss, 2 weeks ago today, we suffered a great loss in our lives. Channy's Great Grandmother Esther passed away after putting up one hell of a fight to stick around! She was an amazing lady, and one I am so grateful to have welcomed me into her family. She was a beautiful soul who so dearly loved her family, and was completely besotted with Luca. We would visit her at least two Monday's a month when we didn't have my kids, and let me tell you that woman was a hoot! The funeral was held last Tuesday, and was a beautiful service, filled with memories of a lady loved by all. Channy's Nana, Margaret, asked me to speak on her behalf, and I can tell you I have never felt so honoured or part of a family in my life! I feel more a part of this amazing family than I do my own. It was hard to get up and say things that were so meaningful to someone else, especially because they meant so much to me too. Esther's passing has left a massive hole in everyone's lives, and she will be sadly missed :-( 

So in a nutshell, the first post I've done in months is one filled with sadness, but if it's the last one I do for another 4 months, it was important.

The end is near

Watching someone you love suffering from physical pain is hard, unbearable and just plain painful in itself. Watching someone you love suffering from emotional pain is gut wrenching, eternally soul breaking and worse than any physical pain you could ever go through.

I've see the woman I love in this much pain for the second time in our short four years together and I am lost. I am usually the voice or calm, reason and responsibility when it comes to other people. Just today I sat down and had a really great talk with a client struggling to decide on her next step career wise, and for the first time in a little while, the social worker in me came out. And it felt good. She was ever so grateful that I could listen impartially, re-present her options to her, and ultimately put the decision entirely in her hands. Which is what I studied a hell of a long time to learn how to do. Then tonight, I greet my beloved at the door for the third time in as many days, in tears after visiting her terminally ill Great Grandma, and I'm lost. It hurts. It hurts deep down in the pit of my stomach. It hurts with every beat of my heart. It hurts from my toes to the top of my head. All because I have no words of advice, not a single word of encouragement, not the ability to say what is needed. All because I hate to see her in pain. All because there is not a single word in any language that can change her feelings. Not that I want to change them. Grieving is important. It is essential to healing. It is part of life. And I HATE IT! 

Channy's Great Grandma is an amazing woman. I know people throw this term around so easily when it comes to the elderly, but this woman has had a tough 88 years on this earth, and she is staying strong right to the end. She is Great in every sense of the word. She is the funniest old dear that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I mean that! It has truly been a pleasure to be allowed in her life. I've not been in it for long, and I'm saddened by the fact that I won't get to spend more time with her, but our twice monthly visits to her for the past year and a bit, have been entertaining to say the least. Esther is not afraid to say how she thinks it is. She is not one to beat around the bush when it comes to opinions, and she doesn't care who is in earshot when she voices hers! She is the woman I strive to be. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and that is inspiring! 

She had 11 children! That in itself is amazing! ELEVEN! One of those 11 children is Channy's Nana, Margaret. And they are 2 peas in a pod. I admire Margaret and everything she has ever done for her family. She would probably never admit it, but she is such a giving person, she has so much love for those close to her, even if her way of showing it isn't all that conventional. And the life she has given to Channy, and the character she has built in her is amazing! If it weren't for her, Channy wouldn't be the girl I love today. 

To know that these two women are slowly treading through one of the hardest parts of their lives, tears me apart. Because I can't change it. I can't control it. I can't stop it. 

All I can do is be there. Do as I'm told when I'm told, which I've never been very good at. But for now, I know I can do it, because there is nothing more I can do. 

I visited Esther yesterday, for what I'm assuming will be the last time. She was her cheeky self when conscious, but looked so tired. Monday is our regular second visit for the month, and we are told it's not looking likely she will make it until then. She has been able to spend a lot of time with Channy & Luca in the past few days, and I'm grateful that all three of them will always have that. Even though Luca won't remember it, he will know is Great Great Grandma in every way we can show him. 

Update: We just got news that Esther lost her fight today. :'( Channy I think was feeling good to be back at work & in some sort of normal routine, after the past 5 days in and out of the nursing home, and then her whole world came crashing down!
We both spent quite some time in there yesterday, and although Esther was unconscious, I think she was well aware of the love in the room. Channy's family have always been so loving towards me and my kids, but I've only had a small amount to do with her extended family, and after last night, I saw that the rest of the family is just as loving! That tiny little room was bursting at the seams with love for an amazing woman, and it was an honour to be part of that and be treated like part of the family! 

Whoops

Well, life kind of got in the way of blogging! Actually, more the need for sleep lol. Luca, you had been going oh so well at this sleeping thing, and just when we thought you were approaching the first sleep through the night, BANG you had the most unsettled night of all! 3 nights ago, you decided it was party time at 1am. Not cool son, not cool! Well the 1am thing wasn't so bad, more the fact that you dragged it out til 4am, ended up super over tired and super cranky! This mumma ended up taking over, as your other mumma was beside herself because she couldn't settle you. So I wrangled you into a straight jacket hold and patted your butt for all it was worth, and eventually you gave in! That was on Tuesday night...followed by a 12 hour day for me at work! By the end of the night, I was SHAGGED! Lucky you are so damn cute kiddo! 

So what else has happened? Well, you hit 6 weeks old on Wednesday, which was when other mumma's check up at the doctors was, but with my lack of sleep, I just let her sleep in and completely forgot about it, until it woke her up & she reminded me...oops. So that's been rescheduled for today.

Speaking of "other mumma" we still haven't decided what you will call us both...but I guess there is plenty of time yet right lol. 

You are still a pretty chunky baby, and we are thinking possibly reflux, but you aren't in pain, so we are persisting with it! All,the while being armed with a spew rag at any given moment! 

We have also discovered that you are tongue tied, which may explain your lack of latching at times, but we will talk to the doctor about options at your 8 week check. 

You are such a smiley baby now! The kind of smile that just melts my heart every time. The big wide open mouth smile, like you just realised that you can do it 😄 

We've had a few goo's & gaa's too which is simply adorable! 

You are slowly starting to fit into some of the clothes we bought for you while you were cooking, but still mostly in clothes that we had bought you after you were born...but out of the preemie ones, so starting to look more like a little man!

Your eyes are constantly changing colours...blue, green, brown...think you might be like mumma and not have a set colour. Hers change all the time, and sometimes she has one green and one blue! 

You are almost bald, which is so cute! The majority of you hair has fallen out on top, which means you are likely to have a killer mullet by the time your first birthday rolls around! Still no sign of curls yet, but we'll see! 

We had some gorgeous photos done for us a couple of weeks ago, and in the words of the photographer, you were a rock star! Can't wait to get the whole package of them! The sneak peek was just too much of a teaser! 

Generally you are a very content baby, especially when you are up at the salon! Many of our clients don't even realise you are there, you are so good ☺️ Proud mummy moment right there!

Anyway son, I need to go and get ready for work & drop the kid lets off at school!

I love you two times...always & forever! 

xx

Letter to Luca

Well Tiny Guy, today is the day you were supposed to make your way into this world...instead, you are 2 weeks & 6 days old! You are such a relaxed baby! Well, you weren't last night, but if it was a one off, I'll let it slide, just this once! Think it may have something to do with the coffee mum had yesterday afternoon. Hoping that it was the coffee lol.

Yesterday you were weighed at the chemist, and you have gained a whopping 600 grams since birth! You have hit the 3kg mark (6lb9oz). You are still a fairly chunky bub, and yesterday was probably the worst you've been so far, so thinking perhaps mum drinking cows milk doesn't agree with you! 

We got a new hot water system yesterday (finally no more boiling the jug for yours or the kids baths!) so mum & I had to go to Aunty Erin & Uncle Craig's for a shower as the new system hadn't kicked in yet. That was the first time mum had been away from you! She did pretty good! She was gone for almost an hour! She said it felt really strange! On the flip side, you & I got to spend some time together :-)

You had a good little snooze, then a bath, which you now LOVE, but HATE getting out of. You screamed the house down! I'm surprised you didn't wake the other kids up! Then I gave you a bottle of mumma's milk, which I love doing! I feel kind of left out when it comes to the nourishment side of raising you! But I, so proud of mum for what she has been able to achieve when it comes to feeding! She's a trooper, that's for sure. Hopefully you let her get some rest today, because she doesn't do too well with lack of sleep. 

On Sunday we all went on your very first shopping trip, and bought you some new clothes that we thought would fit, but are still a bit big. Plenty of growing room though. 

I think winter has well & truly hit, and I think you like it as much as me...not at all! 

Tomorrow the kids got to their fathers house for a few days, which will be nice to just chill with you & mum for the first time since you were born. Long story short, their father decided he needed to take a holiday so they have been here for longer than normal, which was great that they were here when you were born and have had more time than they would have to get to know you, but they are going to be so out of whack when they come back! They always are, and this time is sure to be worse :-( We will try and make it as easy on everyone as possible, so just hang in there buddy!

Mum is healing well from your birth, and all her stitches are gone now. She has come up to the salon with you a few times and you just sleep pretty much! Everyone who has met you is so in love with you, which makes mum & I so proud :-) we did a good job growing you :-) 

I don't think your first real smile is too far off Tiny Guy! You are such an inquisitive little man! Taking everything in during your awake times. You love love love to be snuggled, and you still love to be swaddled nice & tight. 

We both think that your eyes are going to turn brown. They are so big and dark, but we could be wrong. They will either be brown or green, or perhaps like mum's and change between green and blue.

You are getting 2 very special visitors on Friday - Aunty Tracey and her beautiful little (well not so little anymore) girl Renai. They have to come down to the Royal Children's Hospital for Renai. I can't wait to see her reaction to you! And I know Aunty Tracey can't wait to cuddle you! I think she wants to take you home with her, but that's not going to happen ;-) 

Anyway, Tiny Guy, I have to get the girls to school, and go to work myself. You be good for mummy today and let her get some sleep.

I love you more than life itself Tiny

xoxoxo